an invitation

While New Year's resolutions usually don't stick - people have good intentions that they cannot sustain - it is nevertheless nice that we have divvied our time interpretation up into segments and get this feeling of closure at the end of each year, and with it the sense of a fresh start.  

 Not only has 2018 been a challenging year for me personally, for the world too it has been quite a perplexing one, making me sometimes wonder if we are retreating in our human consciousness evolution.  I thought we were doing quite nicely there, perhaps not as fast as I would like it from an environmental perspective, lagging in other areas too, but all in all improving the human condition generally and slowly it seemed.  

 I would like to end this year on a positive note, and set an optimistic tone for the next one. "To become more conscious is the greatest gift anyone can give to the world; moreover, in a ripple effect, the gift comes back to its source," David R. Hawkins, who I referred to elsewhere, wrote in his 1995 Power vs. Force: An Anatomy of Consciousness.  "And," he continues, "any individual increase also raises to some degree the consciousness of everyone on the planet."  It's not so much what others do and think (and getting upset over that), it's what you do and think.  "What matters is what calls you, and to do that," Charles Eisenstein said along the same line in June during the The Space Between Stories retreat I attended.  

 In that spirit I would like to invite you to be just a little bit more You this coming year, becoming more conscious of your emotional needs.  When your own emotional needs are more fulfilled and better met, you not only help yourself but everyone around you. It raises us all up a bit.  Happy New Year!

the empathy switch

Why are those animal videos on Facebook so popular? Why do we love animals so much in the first place? When a pet dies it can be as painful as when a human family member dies.  When I drive by a dead deer or raccoon I usually respond with an "awwwwww," and tell it in empathy how sorry I am about how it found its end.

Those cute animal videos make me smile spontaneously, as do our cats.  I cannot be angry at them even though they scratch up the couches and dining chairs.  Sometimes they visit the litter box in the basement together, and come back upstairs with dust on their little faces from digging around in the sand.  I feel so much love and tenderness for them.  Animals' pure unconditional love and innocence elicit instant empathy.  No hidden meanings, no angry emotions, no holding back. When I look an animal in its eyes it tugs on my emotional strings.

We, on the other hand, almost always have a hidden agenda, hold grudges, or dish our love out conditionally ("You can have your dessert once you finish your spinach.").  The big question is how to shift in our relationships with people in the same way and turn that empathy switch on, and the grudge switch off?

no feeling words

Nonviolent communication introductions - I organize them twice a year - are always an inspiration because I am reminded of my feelings and their importance.  "Suck it up," "you know better," or simply,  "come on......" are an indication of our culture's disregard for feelings.  What are we promoting when we tell our toddler who just fell, "oh, it's nothing, shhhhh, don't cry?" Our children learn to ignore their feelings because they don't get acknowledged, and we perpetuate that they don't matter, so we learn that it's better to ignore them. 

When you first get introduced to compassionate communication a light bulb goes on about how few feeling words you have at your disposition to express properly what you feel.  We don't have many feeling words because we don't feel much as a culture. Reading a cue sheet from the New York Center for Nonviolent Communication is eye opening, or better, feeling opening.  All kinds of words for states of emotions exist that we are not using, because nobody else does either.

Feelings can be so helpful when you understand their function better.  When you are alive you have needs.  You need food and shelter, love and acceptance, creativity and comfort, clean air and rest, to name just a few needs.  Needs, as our trainer last Saturday clarified, are the essence of life. When there are no needs, there is no life.   Feelings indicate how much or how little our needs are being met.   Feelings are a gauge.  When I feel hungry, my need for food is arising and needs to be met so I can be content and satiated.  When I'm fearful, my need for safety or security is not being met, and I need to do something about it unless I want to perpetuate the crummy feeling.    When I am elated, my need for self-realization is fully met.  Feelings are our life essence - no feelings, no life. 

Some people are truly unaware of their feelings, they've become numb from all the pain, and unacknowledged and unmet needs in their life.  Feelings help us navigate life.  They are indicators or guideposts along our journey.  Heed them.

the kindness virus

My heart melts and I so want to help when someone is kind and comes to me with a big smile and open eyes.  Kindness, that great companion to compassion, is what we need lots more of.  We need kindness to each other, kindness to our Earth, kindness for people we don't know, kindness to animals, all of it. Kindness is uplifting and even healing. 

If love is the ultimate healing energy, then kindness is the little healer. Kindness promotes expansion, brakes down barriers, makes things easier, facilitates communication, fosters cooperation. The great thing about kindness is that it's contagious, as CNN reported recently.  Wouldn't it be great if we all got infected by this lovely virus?

your choice

"Contrast helps us to describe the nature of reality, but it's not because there is hatred that you have to chose it," Mike Dooley said at a conference I attended a few years ago.  

Life presents you with opportunities many times each day, and every one of them is a new chance to chose - beauty over ugliness, kindness over intolerance or meanness, helpfulness over aloofness, peace over war, joy over misery, or abundance over scarcity. Each experience is shaped by your feelings, and you do chose your feelings (yes, yes - nobody else in charge here, but it takes a while to realize that there is a choice - you feel, you don't get felt).  Negative feelings tend to promote victimization, while positive feelings tend to promote empowerment.  

Keep in mind what you'd like to experience when you chose next time.  

the hidden healing component

The new documentary HEAL concludes that only two components of our involvement in the healing process are of a physical nature - radically changing your diet, and using herbs and supplements (although I'd argue that - even the most holistically oriented among us may need to resort to pharmaceuticals or a procedure on occasion).

All other elements that promote healing, according to HEAL, are of an emotional nature

·     Taking control of your health

·     Following your intuition

·     Releasing suppressed emotions

·     Increasing positive emotions

·     Embracing social support

·     Deepening your spiritual connection

·     Have a strong reason for living

It's been previously said that about 80% of all afflictions have emotional causes.  You can turn that around to say that to be truly effective, about 80% of our healing process should be emotional cleansing.  When our emotional environment is optimized and optimal, the physical healing follows suit all by itself - the cells regenerate and regrow healthily and voilà. Nature is made to renew and heal. Given optimal physical conditions animals, ecosystems, or plants heal by themselves, automatically, naturally, because there are no emotions involved.  We, on the other hand, need to heal our emotions in order to heal our bodies since our emotions inform our physical health in most cases.  

The Work

Have you ever noticed that people from noisy or loud families are often noisy or loud themselves?  If you love nature you will find ways to be in nature because you resonate with it.  As a kind and compassionate person you are likely to seek out others who are kind and compassionate.  If you love money and are into outward expressions of wealth you may drive a big car and live in a large house.   Get it?  What you resonate with shows up in your life and mirrors itself for you to see and think, "ah, yes indeed," and perhaps draw a lesson if it's not a Peach Melba experience.

Author and spiritual teacher Byron Katie does this mirroring work, actually called The Work, with our judgments, which are based on beliefs, and in turn create feelings.  All of the feelings on the negative spectrum arise from self-inflicted stress caused by untrue beliefs, which we use to create judgments.  Negative feelings make us miserable.  Unearth and dissolve the beliefs underneath, see them as reflections of your own state of mind, and the stress goes away and life just is. 

The other night my teenage daughter came and suggested that my husband and I might want to go out on Friday night.  She loves an empty house - to cook and be by herself.  But my husband was on his way home from a business trip, delayed two days due to weather.  My reply was quite forceful, indicating that her suggestion might be insensitive to his needs, that all he would want is peace and quiet, a hot shower and clean clothes instead of going out.  My daughter was taken aback by my reaction because I had called her insensitive to her dad's needs and raised my voice.  So, about getting back to the mirroring and my own lesson.  I turned my belief and judgment of, "You are insensitive to his needs," around like a mirror reflection to, "I was insensitive to your needs."  Yes, I was actually insensitive to her needs; I didn't even consider them.  It is amazing what you learn about yourself when you begin this Work.  The world may revolve around me, but only in so far as I recognize everyone and everything around me as my teacher and mirror (consider reading an earlier post "mirror, mirror.")  Someone famous already said long ago something about turning the other cheek.

the little things

It's the little things in life that count, probably more so than the big presents. 

A few things come to mind - a surprise phone call from a long lost friend, watching a fox jump happily through the snow like a little kid (saw it from my office window the day after the snowstorm), a kind and helpful customer service person at a big organization (yep, happened a few days ago, lit up my morning), my husband setting a cup of tea or a glass of wine on my desk while I'm working, good news, a great find at a thrift store, a piece of chocolate, a small token of appreciation, twinkle lights.

Many of these are unexpected, many are not material, most cost nothing.  What does that tell you?  It's really easy to make people happy!!!!!!!!  Say something nice.  Show that you care.  Bring something over.  Find out how you can help.  Be kind.  That's all.

oh, dear!

An acquaintance's mother died recently and I sent her my condolences on Facebook.  When I ran into her a few weeks later at our monthly food coop pick-up I had forgotten about it, chit-chatting, going busily about the coop business of unloading the pallet, distributing orders, and weighing out produce.  Bye, see you next time.

Then I came home and it hit me that I had completely forgotten to express my compassion for her mother's passing.  Shallow living.  Oh, dear.  I'm so busy, we're all so busy.  All I was focused on was to complete my coop business and get on with all the other items on the to-do list for that day.  I felt guilty. 

I like it when people show me compassion and understanding.  As a matter of fact, my morning was fantastic because customer service people at two large organizations I needed to speak to were so incredibly helpful and personable - something that is rare and that I don't expect.  The feel-good energy radiated out for several hours and improved my mood so much. 

On an intellectual level I totally understand that compassionate behavior needs to be reciprocal.  If I want empathy and understanding I need to sow it.  I guess there is always a next time.

presents or presence?

I suppose you expect presents for Mother's or Father's Day, for birthdays or the upcoming holidays.  But do you really need more stuff?  Indeed, some stuff is nice and can temporarily make you feel good.  We equate presents with the conveyance of love.  But is receiving stuff really equal to the love and appreciation we ultimately crave? 

Presence instead of presents, true presence and undivided attention, expressing appreciation for you as a person, is ultimately so much more meaningful than stuff.  Presence speaks to your emotions, and feeling emotionally supported and appreciated, feeling truly heard, is the best present.  A heartfelt visit with your elderly parent or aunt or grandmother, or neighbor, is probably ultimately more meaningful to them than some quickly dropped off tchotchke.  True presence and attempting to connect, and emotionally support, your teenagers, is so valuable in helping them navigate a challenging time in their life.  Your college kids home for the holidays, your grandchildren visiting and spending time with you, your grown kids dropping in for an unexpected visit, an surprise visit from a dear friend - those are the things that truly warm the heart.  Presence, being in the present with the other in appreciation, is priceless.

 Also take a look at a previous related blog post - less gifts more love.