a real conversation

            Recently I had agreed to participate in a web based fishbowl discussion via Zoom, a technology for webinars and video conferencing, that would permit both, the handful of participants as well as the listeners, to tune in from all over the world.  For that same day a community conversation at our library had been announced.  But I stuck with the former since I had committed to it - and ended up regretting it.        

            The web based Zoom technology made the discussion extremely cumbersome and stilted - you had to lift an electronic arm if you wanted to say something, you couldn't see the audience, nor the facilitators and discussion partners, only the one person that spoke at any given time.  The facilitators, two to lead the conversation, one on the tech side to monitor the text messages that came in from the audience, were the ones in the cockpit who managed the many interactions.  I came out of the discussion with a thick foggy head and the regret to have missed the "real," the face-to-face, conversation with my own community - real people, in a setting where I could have seen the whole room, everyone's expressions, where there would have been room for spontaneity, a conversation with people who are my neighbors, who make up my community, not someone from halfway across the world.

            Face-to-face really is best.  See also a previous post by that name.

 

saying no

           I never wanted to be a soccer mom and always told my children that their freedom ended where mine began because everyone's needs in a family had to be met.  We also said no two years ago when a college with a $60K tag and no proposed contribution accepted our son.  We've got to eat, too.   And I said no to my daughter to Barbies (and not because we couldn't afford one...).

            My parents set clear boundaries when it came to expenses.  They said no when I learned to drive and had visions of grandeur, wanting a Triumph Spitfire - I got to share a car with my mom; they also said "we will only pay for one year, you've got to manage after that," when I decided I'd had enough of the Belgian university system and wanted to continue my studies in the US (and it was way less expensive then than it is now....).

            Wednesday's NY Times article To raise better kids, say no explains that always saying yes "fosters a sense of deficiency that can never be fully satisfied," while learning to do with what you have fosters creativity, flexibility, resourcefulness, and inventiveness.  It turns out that receiving some pushback teaches children to "solve problems more effectively." 

            Creativity, flexibility, resourcefulness, inventiveness, and good problem solving are are all qualities we most definitely need in today's complex world.  So let's convey to our children that nobody's resources, most of all not our planet's, are infinite.  Say no every one in a while, you'll do them a favor.

quality over quantity

           Racing through the calendar from one appointment to the next, breathlessly looking at the next event as something else to check off the to-do list, makes death your final appointment.  "I made it!"

            But it's too late then to wake up to the realization that your life was one mad dash to the finish line.   Lately, we were caught in a mad routine between accommodating our daughter's many early evening activities, my occasional evening meetings, our tango lessons, and my husband's attempts to return on time for them from a busy workday.  It became stressful and our quality of life suffered, especially trying to get dinner in there somewhere, hopefully before the tango lesson, after our daughter's evening activity, before my evening meeting, attempting to eat together, and making a home cooked meal from scratch.........................you get it - exhausting. 

            Meaning comes from the quality of what we do, whether it's tango, taekwondo, or the made-from-scratch meal.  For us the tango had to go, at least for now.  It was just too much.  We had to choose quality over quantity, depth over breadth...............................Here an earlier related blog post "slow that train down."

 

P.S. Susanne's book DEEP LIVING is now out - buy it on Amazon.

ok to admit

            Why do people have such a hard time admitting they've made a mistake?  We are all humans, we all make mistakes, we regret many of them later.   But, geez, say so.  I won't think less of you, on the contrary.

            I find it especially important in my role as a parent to acknowledge a mistake and apologize for it - yes, to my child.  Otherwise I am modeling behavior I don't want to see perpetuated.   We have this underlying belief that we are perceived as weak when we say "I was wrong,"  "I made a mistake,"  "I'm sorry," or"I wished I'd never done this." I build up a huffing and puffing resistance and fight response to a lame "wasn't me" or "I would never have done this;"  when, on the other hand, someone says right away "oops, so sorry, my mistake," that feeling implodes and my reaction softens immediately.

            How cool would it be if a politician or CEO honestly said "I made the wrong decision at the time, but I understand the issue better now and take full responsibility, and I promise to correct the situation."  Wouldn't you appreciate the humanness in that person?   I guess this behavior all starts with you and me, though.