you are the center of the universe

"Life's not coming at you but from you," Aura Lehrer my yoga teacher said recently.  This is something quite amazing to ponder because it turns the way we  perceive ourselves in relationship to the world upside down.  We tend to have the  impression that we are a victim, that people are there to make our life miserable, that stuff happens just to annoy us to no end.  It's the blame attitude.  When we are in that mode everyone else seems responsible for our misery. Oftentimes I have waited at a party (when I don't know a lot of people) for someone to come up to me and start a conversation, in which case I didn't have such a good time.  Recently I went to a function and just walked up to people, re- or introduced myself, and engaged in conversation...and lo and behold I had a great time.  I was the initiator of my experience, I made the good time happen instead of waiting for someone else to make it happen for me.

So back to this fantastic phrase - what you put out there comes back to you, when you put nothing out, nothing much comes back.  In a way you are the center of the universe and it all emanates from you!

the first snow

We are home awaiting the first snow of the season (2-5 inches they say). When we lived in Manhattan (way back when) I used to love snow days (and nights) because the snow would muffle the city sounds and the city would become quiet.  But also because the snow would cover all the dark of the cityscape, all the dirt, with a pristine white blanket (at least for a short period of time).

Snow days are a bit different now, but the essence is still the same.  Snow days are happy days for children (of all ages, mine aren't so little anymore), they sleep in, lounge around in pajamas, go out to play in the snow.  For me it's still work but with the knowledge that I can't get out for a quick yoga lesson or some Christmas shopping, worrying that hubby will get home safe (he only stays in if it's really bad), some snow shoveling with the kids and then warming up with hot cocoa and playing Christmas music.  Ah, and Christmas card writing, a perfect day for it.

Snow days quiet the world down, slow our pace, beautify the brown-gray winter landscape.  Snow days are a reminder to stop rushing and smell the roses (or feel the snow) - a gift from heaven.

it's never too late to tune in

I recently attended an orchid information and care workshop because I find those flowers so sculpturally beautiful.  People have given me orchids in the past and I have tremendously enjoyed the long blooming (up to three months).  However, the plants either did not survive at my hands, or if they did they did not rebloom.   It did not sit well with me that I basically cared them to death and I thought I could do better, especially since people told me that they were pretty easy to care for.

single phalaenopsis bloom

Wake-up time it was.  The solution was so simple, yet  it hadn't even occurred to me.  My mind had not been open, I had not tuned in.  Now that I did I found out that the plants need fertilizer on a regular basis besides water and light (and repotting every two years).  Oh boy!  Food!  The poor things did not get any food!

Wake-up time can happen anytime, it's a shift in thinking.  But we can also promote it by tuning in, focusing on a particular area of interest or concern, and delving deeper.   The answer will come, and then we wonder how we could ever not have considered this new view.

eye candy for you and me

Do we need beauty in life?  I always thought that New York City was not a particularly beautiful city (character yes, beauty not) compared to perhaps Amsterdam or Paris or a Tuscan village. While beauty is not everything, and some beauty comes from within and lies deep, I do find that beauty enhances my life tremendously.  It adds harmony and pleasure to my life.  It makes my life more pleasant. I like it when our dinner table is nicely set, it pleases me to have flowers around the house, I love the joy of color (in clothes, in food, in decor, in nature), and I appreciate good design.

We may not need it (in Maslow's hierarchy of needs it would be way at the top of the pyramid in self-actualization), but it sure is nice to have.  We can become more aware of its effects on our moods and actively seek beauty out and consciously add it to our life.  I am not much of a movie goer, but in the past few years I saw two movies (on a big screen in a theatre, not on Netflix) that were extraordinary eye candy:  Kung Fu Panda II and Mirror Mirror, watching pleasure through and through, Kung Fu Panda for its exceptional landscapes and amazing details, Mirror Mirror for its exquisite wardrobes, landscapes, decors and use of color.

Add some color, add some beauty, add some quality to your life!

mindfulness goes mainstream

There is a yoga studio on every corner and everyone seems to be dabbling in meditation these days. The NY Times recently reported on mindfulness's ubiquity. It must be a sign of growing awareness in all of us (I am hopeful). I have dabbled in meditation - on and off - for many years.  Nonetheless I struggle with it and sometimes think it is overrated (oh well, many ways lead to Rome).  I love guided meditations (there I'm off the hook) but I don't seem to have the willpower to make solo meditation a regular practice and I am probably not alone.

Mindfulness is my thing and it is not so different from meditation and how it trains your mind.  Mindfulness is simply intense monotasking, sometimes I also call it Deep Living.   We can practice mindfulness with just about anything and we do.  Practicing yoga, Taekwondo or any other sport can become a moving meditation when you keep to the task (being in the moment) instead of trying to remember your shopping list or that you have to pick your child up at daycare at 5PM.  Chopping vegetables and cooking can be a meditation in action - that's my favorite one.  I find it very relaxing and grounding to stand in the kitchen at the end of the day and just chop away and stir and taste (perhaps have a sip of wine) and concoct - it comes very easily to me and I don't think of anything else during that time (I'm in the zone).

Try doing something you like doing with relaxed concentration (no fierce determination here).  It's actual not that easy because we need to remind ourselves to let other thoughts float through without hanging on to them and letting ourselves be carried away and off task.  Just like meditation mindfulness requires a mental effort to stay with the task.  You could be washing the dishes, or driving, or brushing your teeth, or composing a report in mindfulness.  Anything done mindfully with deep focus is done better, deeper, with more meaning and quality.   Getting a task done "in order to get it done" is the exact opposite.  You will not find meaning in it and the task will not get done as well.  Having your cellphone next to you in anticipation of the next ding and distraction won't do either.  Thich Nhat Hanh famously described how to eat a tangerine mindfully in his classic 1975 book The Miracle of Mindfulness.

Why not pick a task now, any task you are about to undertake, and do it mindfully? Try it.

Please also visit related previous posts on "Now" and "Just Being."

oh beautiful perfect normal day

Let's honor and enjoy this great day.  Its normalcy is what makes it cherishable - nothing out of the ordinary, no upset, no catastrophe, just quiet and uneventful day-to-day normalcy. Of course, there would be no such day if it weren't for other types of days in contrast, since we live in a yin-yang world, a world where night comes inevitably after day, and is followed again by night in a never ending succession; so inevitably, uneventful days will alternate with eventful or upsetting days, exciting days, or crazy busy days.

Today is peaceful and restful and perhaps even a bit boring and just right.

spontaneous acts of kindness

"Ma'am, your burger has been paid for. "  When I see articles on positive cultural observations in the newspaper, as opposed to reports on catastrophes, calamities or simply negative observations, I am hopeful that we may be on the right track.  The track to what you may be wondering? The negative stuff is so pervasive in our culture and the media.  We get this quick jolt of negative energy, similar to a sugar high, then it's over and in the long run that constant stream of negativity is draining.

So back to the positive stuff.  The NY Times had a wonderful article this week-end on the apparently increasing occurrence of spontaneous acts of generosity.  Totally gratuitous, these acts do not come from a calculated expectation of something in return, but rather a spontaneous opening of the heart to others. This is more where we're headed - eventually - if I interpret the signs correctly - more empathy, more kindness, more opening of our hearts to others.

Any idea for a spontaneous act of kindness?

what if you had chosen your parents?

I always think that a radically different perspective helps us adjust our outlook on things.  I know the thought of choosing your parents might sound crazy to some or many of you.  But then I have made it my business to further our/your/my thinking and help change our current cultural thinking because much of it has become stale and ossified (I like that word) and could use some refreshing. Do you have an axe or two to grind with your parents?  We easily blame them for what they sent us into this world with; for what they did or didn't do.  Looking at it from a different perspective helps.  As my yoga teacher Aura Lehrer said recently "life is not about right or wrong, life brings you experiences and opportunities."

So think about your parents from that opposite perspective, not the one in which you are the victim, but the one in which you are the recipient of a valuable quality or trait or ability or realization.

I have a lot to be thankful for from my parents. They have been lifelong learners and taught me to become a critical thinker.  We lived in different countries when I was young and so I learned to love traveling, discovering different cultures and how people do things elsewhere, and to explore and enjoy the different foods all these cultures have brought forth.  On the other hand I could blame them for not being very emotional and showing their deep love and appreciation for me enough (they are kind of "Northern" in their emotional behavior - hiding their emotions and you have to read between the lines.

But parents can also teach you by default, by not showing you love or acceptance, or whatever else you think you need.  In that case their behavior may be making you aware of a quality you'd like to add to your life that is currently not there.  You could turn your attitude around and instead of blaming your parents for what they didn't give you, you could be grateful for making you aware of something you need that you are currently lacking.  By default my parents have taught me to tell my children all the time how much I love and appreciate them, something my parents never openly expressed - although they are changing a bit as they are becoming older.

So what if you had chosen your parents before incarnating (oh, another radical thought) in order to learn and become aware of specific themes you need to work on?  Just a thought....

finding the You in You

It's nothing new - that beauty comes from within, and that that beauty also entails youthfulness.  As Jane Brody explained in her recent NY Times article you can lather yourself with all the creams in the world, dye your hair, tuck your tummy - if you are miserable it shows.  And if you are happy it shows also.  The French word for the state of mind that makes you shine from within is épanouie  - the best translation is radiant. Radiance shines through.  When everything works well for you in life, when you are who you need to be (or working on it) and do what you need to do (or trying to get there), it goes way beyond manicured nails, the next bigger car, or a breast or nose job.

I'm never so sure what women are trying to achieve when they dye their hair or otherwise tweak their external features (granted there are exceptions).   After all the world's oldest model Carmen Dell'Orefice (she is 82!!!) with her signature white hair would no longer be Carmen if she dyed her hair.  She looks radiant and unique with it.  And if Sofia Loren had had cosmetic surgery to make her into a standard Barbie beauty she would no longer be Sofia Loren.  Her lips and eyes are so uniquely Sofia.

There is no one more unique than you!  And all that is special about you will come out and shine and glow and radiate when you do that inner work.  It's about finding the You in You.

life is here to make you better, not bitter

That's what my yoga teacher said the other day.  It's important to realize that people don't do things and or say things to annoy you.  People do whatever they do, and say whatever they say, from the perspective of their own emotional needs.

We all have common universal emotional needs, such as the needs for love, shelter, safety, nourishment, sleep; and we have more individualistic emotional needs for say beauty, peace, creativity, order, quiet, connection, community and so on.

We usually operate in an egocentric world and thus live from the perspective of our individual needs.   When those needs are not recognized or met we tend to get irritated, annoyed, impatient, angry, or even furious.  These emotions signal our own, not the other person's unmet needs.

When my daughter does her math homework slowly, methodically, not too neatly, I tend to become impatient and raise the tone of my voice.  That signals my unmet need for neatness and organization, and my self-imposed desire to get on with it and on to other activities.  I need to remind myself that I irritate myself, my daughter doesn't irritate me for the sake of irritating me.

So, instead of becoming bitter at others for supposedly annoying us all day long, hassling us, wanting to irritate and frustrate us, bitter at what life throws in our way, let's dig a bit deeper into those emotions.  Let them make us better, more compassionate and understanding.