A negative experience triggers in us one of the negative emotions like anger, frustration, or fear. We identify such an experience as “bad” or “wrong,” as in “That was a bad move,” “You did it all wrong,” “She didn’t do the right thing,” or “I hated that.” We call that judging or condemning. Pleasant experiences only trigger positive emotions, which we obviously don’t condemn or judge.
Recently I was musing about the medical experiences I had when I was pregnant with my daughter. I found the doctor visits invasive and symptom oriented, always looking for a problem or issue to prescribe yet another test or procedure. The whole experience soured my relationship with the reactive Western medical model, and the emotional effects are lingering to this day. I avoid going to doctors if I can help it. On the other hand, the experience prompted my deep inquiry into the definition of health and trying to understand the healing process.
It is so interesting to realize that every bad experience can be seen from two sides, the “negative” side and the “positive” side. It’s like accounting where every debit has to have an equivalent credit to balance the two sides, or both sides of an equation.
Say you taste a new food and dislike it. On the one side of the ledger you found out that you disliked that particular food and didn’t enjoy tasting it, on the other side you learned about a new food and had a novel experience which broadened your mind. My “bad” medical experiences left me with a fear of doctors, but on the “positive” side initiated my interest in a more comprehensive and holistic approach to healing based on a deeper understanding of how the body heals or becomes ill. Getting a bad grade, for example, could trigger a renewed interest in the subject matter, or getting your act together and applying yourself. Fear of flying could inspire you to overcome that fear and become more courageous.
The same realization is helpful in relationships. As a matter of fact, Byron Katie’s work, or The Work as she calls it, is all about that realization. My husband, for example talks a lot about work, even when he is not working, which can frustrate me. On the flipside, he is very passionate about his work, and without that passion he wouldn’t be so driven, experienced, successful and respected in his industry. Now that I think about it, I realize that I can talk for hours about subjects that I’m deeply passionate about, which could really bore people who are not into the same issues.
So there, the two sides of the coin, but habitually we only acknowledge one of them, the “bad” side. One more insight is that it can take some time to realize the “positive” aspect of a “negative” experience. The chapter on Health and Healing in my book for example couldn’t have come about had it not been for my “negative” medical experiences first. Yet, there was a lag of about 15 years between the experiences and the turnaround.