imaginary enemies

"You make enemies, they don't really exist," my wise 13-year old daughter said the other day while we were driving to the library.    Did you nod your head just now, or did you think "huh?" Here's the thing, at least from my perspective. Our beliefs shape our reality, and our reality, at least to a large extent, shapes itself around our beliefs. Suppose you feel really vulnerable and are fearful of someone breaking into your house. If this is a prevailing thought you play over and over in your mind, you may well be setting yourself up to experience just what you fear.

When you understand the world around you as dangerous and adversarial, when you see people as "other" and treat them with mistrust because "well, you never know," when you believe you need to fight a cause or someone, you are making imaginary enemies. That is why some of our ways don't work so well, because we "fight" an illness, we "fight" pests and weeds, we "fight" obesity, we "fight back."

Instead, let's cooperate, let's work together, let's try to understand, let's try to be compassionate - with others, with ourselves, with the environment. If you put out with your thoughts, beliefs and expectations more of what you actually want to experience you will get more of that back.   They had a point in the 60s when they said to make love not war.  Enemies are imaginary because we make them up in our mind.      Also take a look at an earlier related post "love those germs."

lousy emotional reactions

"How other people react is their karma, how you react is your's," my yoga teacher said a while ago. When the supermarket cashier is grumpy or the boutique salesperson is curt I find it unpleasant and it makes me uncomfortable. When someone is angry I tend to take it personally and think the anger is directed at me. Most of us react that way. But it helps to put emotional reactions into perspective.

Imagine your boss just reprimanded you for submitting your report late. When you step out of that office you feel pretty lousy and might snap at the first person that comes along. Remember, though, the one who feels lousy is you, not your coworker who happens to walk down the hallway. If you snap at your coworker she probably thinks that she did something wrong, when instead something happened to you. See how intertwined we are?

It helps so much to be aware of our emotional reactions in order to diffuse them before they cause damage. How about taking a few deep breaths, going to the bathroom or the coffee station for a brief break, or being honest with your coworker and saying "My boss just chewed me out and I kind of feel lousy right now, do you want to have a cup of coffee with me?"

So back to the top. You can quickly and easily do a whole lot of damage with a crappy reaction, or you can choose to prevent a whole lot of damage by diffusing negative emotions.

the war against evil?

Have you ever wondered why there is so much warfare, strife, and conflict out there? Mother Teresa supposedly replied to an invitation to participate in an anti-war demonstration by saying: "You can invite me when you are planning a pro-peace event." The perspective is fundamentally different.

Ask yourself how you think. We tend to be against certain politics, hate such-and-such a person, dislike fish, mind the rain, despise the humidity, or have a dust allergy. In summary, we very much know everything we don't like. The problem with that perspective is that it creates adversity and conflict, inside ourselves and outside in the world around us. It reinforces the negative. When we can't get along with our neighbor because he mows his lawn at odd hours, and we dislike him for it and stop talking to him, we create conflict. When we can't have a spirited but civil dinner table conversation with a person of the other political party, we create conflict. When we spray pesticides on the little critters in the garden, we create conflict. When we forbid our children certain activities or certain behavior, it creates conflict.

How about looking at it the other way round, in the affirmative? This refocuses our outlook on what we like, on what we want, and want more of. How about rewarding your children (even just with kind words) for the type of behavior you would like to see more of? How about marching for peace? How about modeling the behavior you would like to see in others? How about making a list of all the things and people you do appreciate? How about remembering everything that went right today?

The war within and without keep going if we keep feeding the fire. How about starving that fire, instead?

my favorite word is "sure"

That's what my friend said a few days ago. And she is right.  Can you imagine how easy your life became if everyone of your requests was answered with "sure?"

Imagine you asked your son to clean up his room and put away his clothes, and he replied "sure."

Imagine you asked your coworker to help you figure out some computer problem that has been bugging you for days, and she answered "sure."

Imagine you called the plumber to fix your leaky faucet and asked him whether he could come tonight at five, and he said "sure."

Imagine you asked your boss for a reasonable and well-earned raise, and she simply said "sure."

Imagine you asked a friend to help you move a heavy item over the week-end, and he said "sure."

Yesterday afternoon I was relaxing with the newspaper. I had about fifteen minutes before I needed to get dinner going in time to leave for an evening meeting. Just then my daughter asked for help pulling her spring clothes down, and putting her winter clothes up and away, something we had been wanting to do for a few days.   I grumbled something, I didn't want to be bothered, I stuck my head back into the paper, then I remembered that little magical word "sure,".................and went up to help her.  She was so happy and surprised and said "I thought you weren't gonna help me?"

By saying "sure" you say "yes" to life.

how's your memory?

A few days ago I attended a brief seminar on memory improvement. Two interesting points, in common with Holistic Living, came up.

The first one was presented in the context of techniques for remembering names when meeting new people. Matthew Goerke, the speaker and an expert in memory development, explained what meditation teachers are always stressing, that the untrained mind is like a wild horse. It goes wherever it wants to - not necessarily where you or I want it to go. Without intent and focus a person's name basically goes into one ear and out your other because your mind is meanwhile chattering about your to-do list for the afternoon or that you'd really like a tuna fish sandwich for lunch. Key is to take control of your mind, to be in the Here and Now, to tune into the person you are meeting, to repeat her name with focus and intent while shaking hands. Chances are you'll remember her name again when your paths cross in the supermarket aisle, instead of remembering the face vaguely, but neither where you met nor her name.

The other point had to do with the beliefs we subconsciously hold about ourselves and how, in this case, they impact your memory.  You might say or think "I have a hard time remembering things," or "My memory is getting worse the older I get." This type of running internal commentary is like a mantra and becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy if repeated often enough.  Instead, begin to repeat how you'd actually like to be, even if you have to fake it before you truly believe it (our minds can't distinguish between the two, so "fake it 'til you make it" is good advice).  Better to keep saying to yourself and others "I have great memory," or "My memory is getting better every day."  If you repeat it often enough this, too, becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

No need for ginkgo biloba. Instead, be mindful and focused (tell your mind where you want it, keep the reins tight), and think and speak what you do want (a great memory in this case), not what you don't want or fear (such as "I keep forgetting things," or "I can never remember names").

When Matthew Goerke asked us at the seminar "How's your memory?" we learned that our answer should be "Great."

right or wrong?

We easily tend to judge something as right or wrong - after all we live in a dualistic world and can't avoid seeing our existence through juxtapositions.  Good and bad, black and white, cold and warm.  It seems only natural to take sides, argue, condemn, judge, and feel bad when someone doesn't share our opinion.  But it helps to see the other person's perspective to understand how silly some arguments are, and how what we thought was "wrong" ends up being "right" from a different viewpoint. Let me put that into perspective.  A few years ago my sister and I had a discussion  over towel drying logistics - this was before I stopped using my clothes dryer.  I argued that dryer dried towels felt so good because they were soft, which conveyed to me the feeling of "freshly washed."  On the contrary, my sister, who doesn't have a dryer, said (most Europeans actually don't).  Her scratchy and stiff line dried towels give her that feeling of "freshly laundered," she explained, because soft towels leave the impression that they have been used and need to be washed.   Ok, point well taken. A few years later, when energy costs went through the roof, I woke up and stopped using my drier in favor of drying racks (air and sunshine are for free, electricity is not) - and lo and behold, my attitude changed 180^o and I found myself adopting her position.

Wars are fought over such "rights" and "wrongs."  We know the familiar arguments over toothpaste tube rolling up, or not, and how to insert the toilet paper roll into the holder, with the paper down the front or the back.  Try putting yourself in the other shoes next time you are ready to judge a person for their nose ring, their opinion, their hair color (blue anyone?), or their religion.

do not ask your children

“Do not ask your children

to strive for extraordinary lives.

Such striving may seem admirable,

but it is the way of foolishness.

Help them instead to find the wonder

and the marvel of an ordinary life.

Show them the joy of tasting

tomatoes, apples and pears.

Show them how to cry

when pets and people die.

Show them the infinite pleasure

in the touch of a hand.

And make the ordinary come alive for them.

The extraordinary will take care of itself.”

                                                                                    William Martin

heart stuff

"All spirituality is is the path of the heart," says Marianne Williamson. On this Valentine's Day, day of love and day of hearts, let's remember that no amount of material things (diamonds, chocolates, flowers) can replace true expressions of love.

What might those be?  Expressions of love come from an open heart.  A few examples are speaking kind words you really mean ("You always look so pretty,"  "I couldn't have done a better job."), empathetic gestures (a slight touch on the arm, a sweet kiss, a long warm look), encouragement ("I knew you could do this"), true compassion (being a good Samaritan), wanting to be of service ("May I show you how to do this?" or "Is there any way I can help?").

Opening your heart opens your mind and opens your life.  So let's try to be a little spiritual today.

it's your choice

Whether you look at your teacup half full or half empty, whether you react to the grumpy cashier at the check-out line with compassion (she is having a bad day, who knows what happened at home), or send her angry signal right back to her with an irritated reaction - the choice is always your's.    Your reactions come from  your beliefs.  Every thought in your mind is a cause to an effect down the road. I mentioned in a recent related post that researchers found that depressed people are depressed because they have negative thoughts; they do not have negative thoughts because they are depressed.  That difference is crucial!   Why?  Because you can change your thoughts - once you are aware of them.

Untitled

Once we accept the responsibility of our thoughts, and that they create our reality, we are no longer at their mercy.  Telling your mind what to think or not to think is one of the things that meditation teaches.  If you do not rein your mind in it gallops away with whatever comes along - and that can create a reality that is out of your control and not to your liking.  Or you can dig deeper into yourself and become aware of what you are actually thinking.

Think about it.

my child, my teacher

The traditional perspective was that children should be seen but not heard, meaning children are supposedly lesser people because they are young and inexperienced.   Watching children these days I am occasionally wondering whether some parents are now sending the exact opposite message by permitting their children just about anything, showering them with material stuff, failing to teach them respect and social manners, worshipping them endlessly and providing no gauge or boundaries - basically granting them adult style freedom. But I am headed elsewhere yet.  I believe that we can actually learn from our children even though they are indeed much younger and have less life experience (on the surface).

First of all, especially young children react in a socially unfiltered way, they speak truthfully and to the point (refer to The Emperor's New Clothes) without trying to spare people's feelings.  Secondly, from a spiritual perspective our children are our peers because as spirit beings (in a material body) we are all equal.  We could go further yet, into the idea of reincarnation.   Here we get into potential role reversals and the possibility that your child might have been your parent, mentor or partner in another lifetime.  Intriguing.

When my daughter was 10 we had a deep and spiritual conversation about defining health and healing and how it was more a mental than a physical thing, and in conclusion she burst out "we'll then no one is healthy, not even a doctor."   Children can be downright wise.  Next time your child says something that upsets or irritates you at first blush, do listen, completely, and try to see their side, where they are coming from.  Often we think we know better, but sometimes they actually do.